threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
