There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
