Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
