Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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