can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
