The maid of honor just puked.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
