the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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