I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
