I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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