Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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