I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
