felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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