Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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