my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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