i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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