my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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