Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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