I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
