I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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