my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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