I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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