i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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