It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
