yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
