those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I'm really busy with my period
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