if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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