you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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