You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
