dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
