I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
