I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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