The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
