I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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