Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
