Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
