Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
