the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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