Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
