We won't sleep together?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
