I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
