No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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