I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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