I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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