Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
