I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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