Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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