this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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