Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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