Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
