I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
