She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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